DESPERADO LETTERS

Another one . . .

Back to square one? Hope no. why then? Because I am a man of letters. Because I do believe that things can be explained. Because I donТt consider this time waste. Because I do even believe this to be helpfulЧto me or you or both.

My so drastic a reaction on Monday (was it Monday?) was due to many factors, the ones I told you, but also another one: I had a breakdown after the meeting. During, Before and After the call to you I had a real real stress breakdown, exhaustion from such an important meetingЧya blagoslovlial tebia so many times during those days that you didnТt comeЧbecause then maybe I wouldnТt be able to run the seminar at all. So the emotional lack of discipline of that phone talk was due to my big big breakdown. Understandable.

Does it mean that I want some kind of situation back? No. From the very beginning, January 4th wasnТt it, I knew it was very unlikely to workЧour relationship. Helas. Unfortunately. I have told you so many many times. But what happens is this: you have this witch power over me. I hope this doesnТt offend you and you know you do. So in Khmeria what happened was the reappearance of hope. Rationally, I know that no hope can exist. I do even know that if by any chance something changes towards you wanting me more than you do in your life, more of my presence, still nothing will work because the past is so mistrustful. This means: still I will not be able to deliver because I personally do not trust your feelingsЧnot even anymore, but from a very early stage. Moreover the fact that we didnТt actually have sex in Khmeria changed it even more: sex is more than sex, it renews the link, and this time it wasnТt there, so the link of whatever else was renewed, the link of communication, but the link of a man-woman relationship wasnТt, and if that link does not get renewed, it actually gets atrophied (?). Dies out.

You threw my novel out of the windowЧI donТt miss the Happening beauty of that action, but I did get gradually immersed in the message of that actionЧwhich was your desire to get rid of me.

And of course knowing that you do have your relationship with L, and I am a second-hand case, does not help me at all when I think about the prospects of communicating with you.

And of course I do think that I or both of us have been very stupid on many occasions. For instance, my encouraging your communication with Baburra was a total stupidity from my side. However, from another perspectiveЧI donТt want to manipulate, to orchestrate, to mastermindЧif thatТs what you felt comfortable withЧso be it. It was a chance, like not finding a hotel room that autumn night in Moscalia. If the chances are against us being togetherЧI accept it. But I do know now for certain that she has played a game on both of usЧI learned it from a relatively independent sourceЧJollya (not that Jollya knew that she was telling me that).

One more line on Baburra: she arranges her hair like you do, and once or twice those days from behind she did remind me of youЧshe is copycatting you so heavily . . . and then she called me on Tuesday, and she talked with me for about 20 seconds while I was sure I was talking to youЧcan you imagine that? Amazing . . . she even chose a perfumeЧnot yoursЧbut a significant perfume (Elisabeth ArdenЧthe next one after yours for my male taste).

Now Jonjoli: again, it was stupid to use her as a . . . whatever I used her for. She is much better than Baburra, however, I should not use somebody as a СdamperТ if you have a relationship with them as well. It all gets very much confused. She gave me two messages: the first one, in Khmeria, that you love me very much, and I was very happy, and the second one, in Moscalia, that after our talks in Khmeria you said to her that you wanted to become just friends with me. The wrong of choosing her as a confidante is exactly that: that she feels obliged to give me messagesЧand probably to you tooЧon where do we stand vis-а-vis each otherЧan inevitable forced landing for her and for us if we decide to go that road.

You probably know this all anyway, I donТt know why am I telling you all this, just because havenТt got to do anything else at this point in time, probably.

And you know that your relationship with Goluazka and KlausЧwhile I have accepted their ostracizing meЧand your relationship with anybody else whom you got via me, like JeffersonЧdoes affect me. You manage it all very well separatelyЧitТs not my style. My ideal is to mix all the people with whom we are friends. But I guess thatТs a very shortsighted strategy, which actually does get me hurt just like it did eventually in this entire situation. I understand the reason for compartmentalizing communicationЧwe have no other option vis-а-vis each otherЧand thatТs very very unfortunate. It is as ugly, for me, as having sex with me while you still do have your other relationship is for you now. Disrespectful. To our bodies, to our psyches. I never believed in privacy really. That is why I wrote that novel.

But you are too strong a presence in my life. I cannotЧI can of course, but I do not want toЧcut it all. Moreover, there are also some work related issues that I have to talk to you aboutЧlike some of the financial reports etcЧand I am not feeling comfortable if we talk only about that with, again, keeping into brackets the rest. I am not good at compartmentalizing even our communication. I feel it would be disrespectful to both of us as well. I do assume you feel differently.

This is essentially the same situation we had before, when you felt threatened: I feel its disrespectful to you not to give you the full picture, you feel threatened and would like it all piecemeal, I feel it as censoring my existence, because here I amЧholistic!

So I write this to you to tell you that I know that you know how do I feel and in order to give you a clear proof that this is exactly how do I feel and asking you for some courageЧand generosityЧwhich I am sure you have gotЧI was always sureЧto accept my beingЧincluding the novel, my kids, and everythingЧwith the disturbances that I can produce in youЧand still accept it, knowing that you do produce very very significant disturbances in meЧso I feel entitled to the reciprocity of understandingЧbecause that seems to be the one thing that we havenТt yet betrayedЧneither one of usЧon the background of all the rest which I feel has been betrayed irreparably.

You can understand the mechanism of our communication failure: IТll try to invent an example again, because that does interest me also intellectually. If you now reply me in any way that I can read as more than merely friendly, I will assumeЧsubconsciously, that everything is not still over. (I know I generated this communication, but I did it because I called to Jonjoli at midnight and you were thereЧso itТs a very strong link between us, we do share a huge part of mutual life. I wouldnТt like to say farewell to my relationship to Jonjoli, just as I have done to some others, because I do not want to enter the energy space that you occupy. So we do still share a lot of mutual connections. And thatТs an issueЧwhat to do with them? I have a difficulty sharing them with you, but also abandoning them. And some I just cant abandon. For instance, of course I am very interested in your feelings about the situation in Khmeria. So this is my dilemma: how to keep communication with you which I value and need while not hurting me to the extent of despair? Not to write you? Not to call you? I donТt know . . . I am not yet over completely. ) Now if you donТt reply to this in any way that would give me a message of more than being just polite and knowing me for quite a whileЧI will feel let down. I will probably feel less encouraged to talk to you again. And probably thatТs what will happen. Anyway. Because thatТs what you decided to do.

And deep inside me I am contemplating if I shall still go for some crazy drastic movesЧwhich I probably will not ever doЧthatТs not in my character reallyЧonly putting in words how do I feel . . . with no belief that something is really possible between usЧwhy do I feel still so attached to this chimera? To this myth? Because I havenТt got anybody more significant to share this very letterЧthis kind of a letter with?

What shall I do? Just calm down and write the next novel? Another novel? Tell me, former aziz: Jonjoli is not enough, now I ask you to be the facilitator between me and you. I failed to be the one at the time, but maybe you can be the one: you are the power, and I apply to you: what shall I do vis-а-vis you? Just forget you? Overcome you? Let it go? I canТt wait anymore. So probably there is no alternative. But how to do that? I will not forget you ever of course. But can I let it go?

At the banquet Canofworms made a toast for youЧand it was such an awkward toast! I donТt know why she did thatЧprobably for the best of intentionsЧbut it sounded really weird.

I write thisЧthis all could have been written in the novel, or not written, didnТt have to be shared with youЧI do not write this to you in order to upset you. This is how I perceive things. I do not write this to really renew the hope. I have got none. I write this to you because I do respect courage, and it is courageous to see the things the way they are, and in our communication I always expect courage from me and you. Courage is not cruelty. ItТs rather honesty. I write thisЧsomething moves me. This is my life. I write this just like I live my life. With broad strokes. My cowardice for me is when I assume that I will be misunderstood, or when I think its better to spare somebody from the way I perceive things. My courage leads me to live this life and to write you this letter. I do hope I have raised some real issues here. Not hidden, not half spoken, with no cosmetics. I would assume the best way to reply to thisЧif you feel you canЧwould be for you to raise the real issues the way you feel them. Just like you did during our meeting. At least some.

Date: 8/9/02 1:35:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time

soglasna, ne vozrazhayu, ponimayu, chto-to perhaps otrytsayu, but
that s outside of the argument Ц

this was as much as it made sense to me to say when i just finished
reading the letter, also waiting seemed somewhat applicable, but now
uranian children ring with their jewel language against my windows
panes, light is copper, light in august, only the copper is mined in
the upper peninsula floating on lake superior, where faulkner''s
light will never be, so will keep monolo-go-ing on and have walked
enough today, through enough landscapes, some muddy, some not, that
it seems it may not matter :-) and eee (read this from pafnutian),
pafnut-jan, of course, there is no contradiction between passion and
wisdom, now taken in the broadest sense, and there are other things
to fork along the seemingly contradictory categories, too, but
similarities between these equations exist: the knife and what- bed,
table, spring mud-filled city-streets and flight through them
perhaps to leave both the table and the knife behind and to find
everything and nothing, including a musa? :-) one of the natures of
the beast (one of the beasts? :-)?
is such -- last night there was a
moon for you, today the steel blade, but the steel blade acquires an
exquisite shine of its own when moon helps you -- and
extraordinarily, both steel and moon in their own right are just
reflection media to be sure... this in fact i wrote later than what
follows so will say obnimayu now, as now i feel like saying it and
then will go jongling with obsidians but the knife - a surgeon has
it, a butcher''s wife has it, a cave-man does and he does have the
the obsidian one, as we realized, but is it dreaming,
becoming-man/-aware which makes that one more raw than the
surgeon''s? for a surgeon to be courageous, in my eyes, it is again
the wisdom he has to have, an aware knowing of beyond the sharpness,
yes, being aware of and a master of own power, not taming it
necessarily, not even dosing it, but knowing to live it - with
sharpness, coldness, without cruelty. back to the surgeon, the
wisdom -- a knowing before a bold step, an understanding, knowing heТ
ll face the butcher''s wife outside the operating theatre where the
butcher lies unconscious, unaware by his usual senses, and perhaps
aware of life''s theatre the same way you saw yourself leaving when
the appendix hurt so horribly that it did not even hurt anymore? do
we know those things anyway? do we know of blood-tied/love-tied
people almost physically when theyТre not with us? can we choose to?
do you know of your children, of your parents, then with women itТs
different, of your wife when children were being born, perhaps of
one her when in lawrencia, perhaps of one her in kemberwill,
perhaps another her in another kemberwill? this is a jump, also asking
where askability is subject to other criteria -- as there is daring
to ask in front of one''s self and then one can/should ask as much as
one can bear, and daring to ask another person without invading? and
in that case there s not only courage but also other things. anyway,
not specific question it was, and again, more of dreaming than
dissection in it, but having spoken with the grandma and having felt
her so, and having spoken with you and then being in a different
era, not a context perhaps, just wondered about possible or not
connections while we live the images, impressions. also now
remembered Breaking the waves film? seen it? found it anything? this
was a jump in order to then say that what i most agree with from
your letter is that it is not immoral to question seemingly
unquestionable. and to criticise the socially marked as ''holy'' - a
variation on the ''criticise your own parents'' example... and for
that matter and since you made an inviting use of the uncomplicated
catholic stereotype :-), in the deep mysticism of John of the
Cross/Eckhart and those middle age mystics, the very hardest
questionings are crucial, without them, there indeed can be a lie,
but this gets me to what is the most ''honest''/here another way of
saying ''askable'' for us at which given moment of life? how much can
we question at a given moment without the self
exploding/imploding/perhaps falling through torf? did check the word
in a dictionary just now, so know it s correct like this in slabbabian
and youТll know :-) torf, the pre-coal soil, the richest one, the
dark one of brackish waters, well-fed ferns, of Vltava''s upstream
non-translucent forest-hidden secrets? a soil that every summer
burns around moscalia -- here we go, this time not a symbiosis of
elements, this time a fire feeding on soil, the alchemy not
materializing but a burnt kitchen, you make me tell what i did not
want to say for some time, burnt kitchen , assocaition of the foam
spilling over off the gorschok kypiaschego moloka and deflation in
feelings, deflation of expectations, the smell of burnt milk, a very
human smell which brings about a certain calming down, a time and
body slowing, a relativity. this is long, now am back here in the
present-voice, and have not said i so liked the mrrrmrrrrrr relation
between so seemingly unrelated concepts, and of course you could
find/bind up dozens of connections between these too. oi, kakaia
zhizn, eh, jan? so knife on skin, kiss on eyes, big asterisk above
all of this, and one context-less closest though this second

Cant you understand that however much we appreciate mutual creative and intellectual capacities, there is something much more which connects us? You probably do.

So why donТt you decide to take charge of that?

Obviously you are slightlyЧtimidlyЧupset about MoscaliaЧbut understand that i couldnТt play it otherwise.

SomebodyЧa Czech woman? In BrusselsЧECЧhas told Andrew Sheriff that you are planning to return. Who is that?

Jefferson told Aniuta that i write bullshit. She tried to convince him otherwise. Of course he hasnТt read it and maybe will not like if reads. But funny: i am as honest as he is in my topicЧin his topicЧbut his writing is so totally devoid of aestheticsЧa criticism i couldnТt bring up while discussing his bookЧit feels almost helpless!

You know my trajectory: totally lost and upset during entire july-august. Now we have new rules of the game: not to speak about those things. I donТt like rules of the game: i break them.

I can live without you. I have proven it to myself. Its not like i want to possess you. You are free, i am free, i never imagined a relationship like a possession. That is why i left belliqueuse. I left her, mind you, for more independent reasons than you than it seemed afterwards.

Its not about any obligations. Its about being made for each other in so many respects . . .
All other respects are dealible on this background.

So if you want to . . . come back . . . to Kemberwill, i mean . . . what about my place? Would you be able and or interested in saving my work? Doing all those nasty things i am doing? Fundraising etc? probably not. So how can youЧiЧus invent a system to take care of all this nasty work which is killing me, not letting me to write anything? Sucking off my blood? Any ideas?

I wouldnТt like to live without you. I have considered all the options, i have tried almost everything, and if i wait for a year or two, i will probably totally cure myself from this expectation of sharing, of communication, that you and i presented each other withЧand you prematurely or without meaning that much or hoping that you can sacrifice this and still survive. So i will be even more dead than after Natali. And obviously you will be more dead than otherwise. Your youth, your inexperience, your other loveЧnothing justifies thisЧkilling loveЧas you know. So do something about that! Or tell me to take charge of that!

This is no more new year 2003. This is some time passed. Maybe not substantial enough. I have experienced a lot, i have read a lot, i know myself, my limitations, its not a woman i need, its not friendship, its not professional help. I donТt need anything. Its more than me and i believe its more than you. You may bury it deep, you may not want to deal with that, you may ask for help all the myths about my cruelty. I may explain everything by interest, by inexperience, by another love.

I may die. Gillian may die. Love may die.

Life is limited. Opportunities are limited. Windows are limited. Space is limited. We do not work together at this point. I do not have any unjust power over you. I am open and free as i have always been. You are free from any pressure. Its not about you pitying me at the sea in Shirkundazia because you almost made me resign. Past is past. Future is future. I know its not simple. But it is simpleЧto listen to oneТs inner signal. Signal failure was then. There is still a chance to correct it. Think! Feel! React!

Its not about men and womenЧwhile it is. Its not about your beauty. Its not about your selfishness (sorry). You are not a femme fatale.

I will not fall in loveЧor have an affairЧwith those you suggested. My inner self is very clear. You are not from Hrashka, i am not pafnutian, we do not have any frames of reference, we do not have any anchors.

This reaches you at some unknown point. Maybe i am too drunk while i write this. Maybe you have totally different plans. I am not a threat. Or am i? If yesЧi am just an instrument. I have no will over this letter. Maybe thatТs my destinyЧto finish on a guilliotine for love.

You (the womanfolk) have upset me multiply. Compare me with HIMЧdeconstructing HurryЧand i am upset. Tell me my feet are not rough enough. Tell me you are too big for me. If i tell youЧits ok, if you tell meЧits treachery. But its only the superficial. Go and share about me being a problem with friends and relatives. You are too bright not to understand this: either you refuse it all flatlyЧnot the superficial sexual contact while we work and are overwhelmedЧbut the deep universal eternal unityЧeither you take the appearancesЧthe apartment and the level of financial security and suchЧas criteriaЧor you take all the inner stuff that went into you and all the stuff that went into me and i made it clearЧseriously. And now i am too drunk to continue . . . so deal with it!

Spontaneity . . . i respect your lack of spontaneity in moscalia, even though tainted by our cruises in the backyard corners while you were in the yellow overcoat . . . i hate the spontaneity. I know exactly what we need, what we want, and you can only disregard this, you can only kill this, as you have done so many times before . . .

Words . . . itТs the easiest to kill them. To disregard them, to throw them away . . . please try to feel behind the words the issueЧi know you can do that. Its about life or death.

10.21.03